blah blah. I have a new computer now and I love it. Jon is extremely jealous of the awesome graphics I get. Is that sad? I wouldn't have upgraded to the best graphics card available for this model two years ago, but I feel that JonKyleArni have somehow converted me into a gaming nerd. I suppose Mary and Louis should be in here too when it comes to my DS. Le sigh. How did I get to this point?

Oh well. DOD is apparently really awesome on my computer. I honestly don't notice a difference but I love seeing Jon look over to my screen with such a sad and longing expression. It's horrible of me, I know, but I enjoy it. It makes me feel like my investment into this computer was worth it. The only problem I'm having is that the Sims 2 won't run. I don't think it's a computer problem though, because all my other games are fine. This makes me sad though. I've been itching to play the Sims 2 for a proper 6-12 hour binge since December. I still haven't had such a grand opportunity :(

I just finished my film analysis paper on The Audition, which is still one of my favoritefavoritefavorite horror movies and which I presented to my class last Tuesday. SO basically this week was all about Takashi Miike and Me, Matt and..um, another Matt, were in charge of picking out films to show and elaborating on Miike's biography, film work, themes, etc. The Audition was our first film and I was in charge of presenting that and the biography. HOWEVER - I've been extremely lethargic and unmotivated with school lately that I didn't even start my power point for the presentation until 9 hours before the class started. Luckily I was able to knock it out in 4 hours, but I was really tired that day too. FURTHERMORE - I've procrastinated on my analysis paper. I've had all week to do it but I simply lacked the drive to. I didn't start writing it until after midnight, and luckily finished it a few minutes ago. So why am I awake? Jon says he wants to go the school early today so I'm staying up a bit to see if he needs me to drive him. Also - I feel like updating. But anyway - my paper's supposed to be at least 5 pages, but I love this movie so much that I ended up with 8 pages... except I cut it down to 7. Eh. I have problems with cutting shit out from anything I write. Take this entry for example.

Like I said - I've been extremely lazy when it comes to school work. I think I've burned out. Luckily, my procrastinative (not a real word, i know) instincts usually save me in the end, but I fear it's slowly wearing away. It used to kick in AT LEAST a day before any assignment was due, but now it's like I can't start it until 12 hours prior to the due date/time (9 hours in the case of the PowerPoint). What's even worse about this is that I didn't stress out about either my PowerPoint or my paper. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY STRESS? I don't know. I think I want to drop out of this college and run away to a culinary school.

Hold on. I'm going to try to wake Jon up right now... Nope, he's waking up at 6:30, not 6:20. I'm driving him to school. Now I have an excuse to make this ridiculously long and spell every other word incorrectly.

I have two weeks to write 2 short stories, write my director reviews, and write my reading reviews. Speaking of reading reviews, I haven't read the book that we were supposed to read by today. At all. I think the book is out in the living room right now, but it's far too cold for me to get it and I honestly don't care. I feel like I've at least made a great effort to keep up on the readings this quarter, and I have been. What's been lame though is that my seminar group members never seem to do the reading, so I always end up having to explain to them what the fuck happened. I'm hoping someone will be able to return the favor for me today, but I lack confidence in my classmates.. at least the ones that I always end up with in seminar. Blah blah. Lame lame.

I love Chambord and sprite. It's such a tasty drink. Of course it's just raspberry liquor so there's no way I can get drunk off it (unless I have like, 8 or more glasses in one sitting), but I don't mind it. It's tasty. I also really like Andre's strawberry whatever or that peach one. Those are good, and cheap! What else? I managed to blow off $15 for 2 drinks at the rock, and I don't really care. I have to buy Arni his Smirnoff mango thing for tomorrow, annnnd Jon and I are starting to cook with wines. Yes, people! Our culinary skills are advancing to the moon! Soon I'll be able to make creme brulee or brilliantly roast a thanksgiving turkey. Or, perhaps I'll stop exaggerating and maybe start boiling myself some water. Hot cocoa should keep me up for an hour - then I'll drive Jon away to school - then I'll sleep until 10 or 10:30 am so I can get ready for class at noon and fall asleep through Ichi the Killer. Yes! Sounds like a marvelous plan!

God I sound so ridiculous in these entries. But haaay gurl haaay, I changed my profile picture.

As an additional note, I want to be BFF with Saaphyri and Becky Buckwild. FOR REAL. Gotta admire their loyalty.

i am not an extroverted person by any stretch of the word. i can be blunt sometimes, but in regards to myself i'm a pretty private person and still not completely comfortable even eating around people.

despite this, there are things that are difficult to keep to myself - writing in my diary would be an obvious solution, but this is not satisfying enough. it's one of those things that you just want to scream out at the top of your lungs even though you know it may not be entirely appropriate... or you know it's something you should keep to yourself. i know no one is interested in such matters - it's an awkward thing to know about your friend - it's an awkward thing to share on the internet. but i have this urge to share things with people who would understand, or who would at least acknowledge what i have to say. i could start an anonymous blog online to share with strangers - but again, it's not the kind of acknowledgment i'm looking for.

i'm scared of how these things may change your perception of me. i don't know how you think of me, to be honest. i don't even like thinking about myself because when i do, it's never positive. but this is not what i want to share, and i'm not digging for sympathy or compliments.

what i do ask is that you don't read too far into this.what i want to say is rather shallow - and is perhaps a result of me needing to break out of school-mode. i've been trapped within my load of books, films, and papers for the past two weeks, even spending 12 hour days in the av lab at school. i'm thinking i just need a moment to rebel against my normal constraints and express myself without any reprocoussions.

please forgive me - don't think anything more of this - and i hope you'll forget i ever wrote this. this is not me, but it is at the same time.

i'm a sinner and i'm unfaithful. i try to be a good person but fall easily into temptations. though i have yet to physically cross that boundary, i'm scared my mind has gone far beyond. -- i had a sex dream about a certain person in my class last night, and i wish i hadn't woken up.this isn't the only time i've done this, and jon is aware of it. i feel guilty and greedy about it.

...yeah. that's about it.
bye now.

----add on----

i have so much to say - but still so much work to do! jon is asleep and i'm keeping myself awake with coffee that went cold over 6 hours ago.

i had a trojan on my computer. i might still have it. either way, i had to restart my computer and thus turn off my music. though the lack of music helps me concentrate on my work, it also welcomes feelings of loneliness. so what do i do? i turn my music on again. for the past 12 hours i've been keeping myself company with the sounds of new jersey - more specifically senses fail and mcr... with the addition of brand new (recently i've had the taste for the east coast. one day i will go.) i like to start this mix off by playing brand new's "limousine". i feel i can relate to this song in a lot of ways, though i still question it's meaning. i'm kinda jumping the gun with such conclusions, but i can't help but love it. it depresses me though - it's not a happy song, but then again i don't think a lot of these east coast bands (the ones i'm listening to) have a lot of optimisim in their lyrics, though they may claim otherwise. the point is that the sound itself can be depressing, but beautiful none the less!

quickly following "limousine" my itunes goes on to senses fail "the priest and the matador". i love this song too. i just checked this as "love" on my last.fm. the downside to this is that it's also a depressing song, but i'm still tempted to go back and repeat it.

now it's "me. vs. maradona vs. elvis", perhaps my favorite song off of brand new's deja entendu. i'm rather jealous of how wonderful jesse lacey's lyrics are - but being heavily influenced by moz, i'm also not surprised. i'd add moz to my mix, but i'm afraid i might end up crying if i do. his songs are definitely the kinds that would suck the oxygen out of any room... but again, in the most beautiful way possible!

earlier jon and i took a break to have a flexability-off with gnok, ryan's girlfriend. we had to call it a draw though because we ran out of ideas, and jon started making weird noises when he'd get into difficult possitions.

i want to go home because my bed is comfortable in lynnwood. my bed here is small and a little stiff - it's still a mattress on the floor, and i think it'll be that way for the rest of the year. despite how uncomfortable it can be, i like how it reminds me of my old house where my bed was on the floor too. i loved it. i loved my room there too. i worked hard on collecting and putting up those fucking posters. i spent so much money on magazines, only to tear them apart for aesthetic purposes.

the song is now "family tradition" by senses fail.

i wrote a lot after that previous sentence, but decided against sharing it. instead, i'll return to my work. i have 6 hours to finish. i'll use every mintue... maybe. i might come back and edit in more rambles.